Phoenix
The phoenix, dead
In your ashtray,
Waits for the warmth
Of your breath
Between her wings.
Lips parted,
You could exhale embers
If you could just
Remember
The taste of lighter fluid
On your tongue.
But you doused that fire long ago.
The burn of your heart
Gave way to heartburn
And still-cold TV dinners.
Among sinners,
You’re a lukewarm saint.
And you couldn’t wait
To stand at Peter’s gate,
But that halo you’re expecting
Is a consolation prize.
Heaven’s not a last reward:
It’s fireflies behind your eyes,
The spark that leapt
From her lips to your thighs
The fire that burned
When your heart beat the skies
Your phoenix once flew through.
Here’s a secret:
You
Are a match,
Waiting to be struck.
So scrape yourself against the floor,
Start with a spark
And burn to a roar.
Your phoenix can fly,
Your phoenix can soar,
But only if you remember
What your life lives for.
Comments
Apr 5 2009
Another excellent piece. Very uplifting.
Apr 5 2009
this is one of the few ones i'm sorry i listened to first - it jammed up the cadence for me and i can't quite seem to get it right ><
Apr 9 2009
Overall, it's an intriguing comparison, a phoenix to a cigarette. Possibly a bit cliche in places, but your uniqueness in others makes up for it.
I don't agree with randomly using that rhyme scheme in the last stanza though. You barely pull it off in the second stanza. The third has a slightly forced sound and comes off as odd, throwing off the flow of the rest of the piece. It also ruins what originality and credit you had built up in the beginning. It reduces the poem considerably.
I think this could has some serious potential and could benefit from some heavy revision.
Dec 20 2009
I agree with Diana, especially as far as the last stanza. There is heavy cliche in this piece, but the idea is intriguing. It's really just the last four lines that really killed it for me. Not that you know who I am, so that might not matter (and this critique is months late...). What I'm saying is your giving us the moral to the story, and Aesop already did that a million times. Let the reader come to the idea you are presenting and figure it our for themselves. You only restrict the piece by telling us what to think about it.