Be careful when you step into the bathroom.
I have taken the liberty of hacking your bathroom scale
and there may be loose parts on the floor.
Your bathroom scale will no longer mock you
with numbers, with too-skinnies, too-fats.
When next you step upon it, Michael Caine,
or perhaps Ian McKellan will say
(it is not quite done
and there are licensing
concerns so you may
have to settle for someone
cheaper like Wilford Brimley)
will say “Ma’am, you have exceeded today’s
allotted worries. Sit your fine self down
and enjoy the show.”
Your bathroom scale will transform into a
comfortable chair and a pair of specially trained
swallows will bring you a chilled mint mojito
(I hope you appreciate
all that has gone into this.
The swallows were very
difficult to train and kept
trying to drink the mojito.
Stupid drunken birds.)
a chilled mint mojito and some peppy music
tuned to the exact frequency guaranteed
to make you wiggle in your seat.
You must wiggle, as the kinetic motion
is vital to priming the charge that powers
the laser-light disco display, so I truly hope
you will cooperate and not leave me hanging.
After the disco, I am certain you will be in a good mood,
but just in case, I have carefully timed my entrance
to coincide with the final notes of the song:
I will step in, sweep you up, and say,
“Hello, my love! You are beautiful.
There are tiny ducks by the pond.
and we must go for a walk.”
(The ducks are less drunk
than the swallows, and far
more polite, I assure you.)